Slow progress is still progress

Life is hard.

Since my last post I came down with a nasty case of food poisoning (or the flu) which turned into a cold. So I’ve been in “sick land” (popping Tylenol every 4 hours, resting, watching Netflix, feeling exhausted after walking to the kitchen and back, feeling achy) for the past 6 days.

Before I got sick I did make progress on my “do-er” goal. I cracked out my old sewing machine, remembered how it worked, went to JoAnn Fabrics to get fabric and other basic sewing materials, and made a pin cushion. It was a fun challenge and at the end of the day my brain was tired. Since making the pin cushion I went back and bought fabric to make some pretty cute headband/ear warmers.

Being sick really kicks you on your ass. Even going to the grocery store to get some necessities – Gatorade, chicken noodle soup, and saltine crackers – felt like climbing Mount Everest. Very…slowly…

Similar to a negative HIV test result, beating a sickness gives you a new lease on life. Once I’m feeling 100% better (still not there yet), I imagine myself working out at the gym more to stave off any future bouts of sickness.

That’s all for now.

Interesting thoughts come late at night…

Tony and I baked pumpkin bread, ate some bangin’ cheese raviollis’, watched 2 episodes of “Fringe”, and called it a night. We did all the usual pre-bed routines and then climbed under our stupidly warm wolf blankets to snuggle and chit chat before falling asleep.

Little did I know, that Tony would encompass the essence of the struggle I’ve been dealing with the past few days, in 9 little words: “You have to be a do-er, not just a thinker.”

F*CK!!!!

HOLY SH*T!!!!!

::EPIPHANY::

I’m a TOTAL THINKER!!!!!! I think and think and think and research, and then think some more!! I have great ideas, I can research all sorts of ideas that are interesting, important, and that I would like to implement in my life. But, when it comes time to “Just do it!”, as our friend Nike would say, I stop.
Usually the thoughts are, “Meh, you can’t do that” or “You’ll just start it and never finish”. And a little part of my brain, and a little pat of my heart, think (ha, lots of thinking happening!!) “Well, you thought of it. That’s good enough.” So I guess I get my satisfaction from thinking and researching. I am process-oriented, so that makes sense. But, I don’t want to just think about all the wonderful ways I could improve my life. I’d like to actually IMPROVE my LIFE.

This morning, I wake up. I make my earl grey tea (yumm) and in my thinking ways, I search for an image for my desktop that would motivate me. I Google search “do-er”. A Facebook page called “BAD – Being A Doer, Inc.” is at the top of the list. I click it and find the image you see above. Reading it was like a loving slap in the face. “A PERSON WHO ACTIVELY DOES THINGS INSTEAD OF JUST THINKING OR TALKING ABOUT THEM”. God damn. They just called me out!!

Now, the hard part. But, the SO important part. What do I do with this information? I’m not trying to change who I am – my thinker ways – but, as with anything, balance is good. So, I want to aim for half thinker and half do-er. Right now, I’d say I’m at…oh god, do I have to admit this?…3/4 thinker and 1/4 do-er. And on top of being more of a do-er, I need to take out the shame I feel for being such a “thinker”. No shame here. We’re all learning together.

So, I’m seeing a t-chart. One half labeled “thinker” and one half labeled “doer”.  When I write what I’m thinking of implementing in my life – for example, make less trash by not using plastic bags, plastic containers, etc. – across from that statement would be the action step. Wah. ACTION STEP. I just wrote “ACTION STOP”. Get outta here, Freud!  ACTION.  STEP.

And obviously, all of this will take time. But, I can’t use the “it takes time” excuse and not do anything.

Oh poop. This is going to take some energy. But, I’m up for it. I’M UP FOR IT!!!

Resources on Sustainability, living tiny, buying goods in bulk, cooking, and baking

Over the past few days I’ve been stumbling across a documentary, articles, websites, and blogs that show me how to live in this world and have a low impact on the environment, create minimal trash, make good foods from scratch, and counteract the consumerist culture we live.  Here are some of the resources I’m really into right now:

– Tiny: A Story About Living Small (documentary on tiny houses)

– Collective Evolution article – No trash in 2 years

– http://www.well.org

– “FromThisKitchenTable” Blog – 10 Ways to Drastically Reduce your Grocery Budget

– “Trash is for Tossers” Blog

– The Simply Co.

Nuggets of Wisdom

Wise thoughts, perspectives, and phrases I’ve been thinking about the past few days:

–  No one feels as awkward around you as you’re feeling.

– You only look as awkward as you feel.

– No one notices your anxiety and awkwardness as much about you as you do.  Everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves.

– No one is worrying about your own social anxiety as much as you are.

– JUST SAY IT.

– Seriously, just F#*KING DO IT ALREADY.

I thought about these nuggets of wisdom while I was feeling socially anxious or anti-social.  Which is obviously the theme here!

Today, I also realized that I’m always looking forward to something.  This morning, I couldn’t wait to finish my demo.  Then, when that was over, I couldn’t wait to get lunch.  Then, I couldn’t wait to get to my desk to eat said lunch.  Then I couldn’t wait to finish work so it would OFFICIALLY be Friday evening.  Then, I got a parking ticket.  F*!k.  Then I couldn’t wait to unpack today’s STUFF from my car and just be home.  And now I’m thinking, “Shoot, we’re supposed to go grocery shopping tonight.  When that’s done, then we can just relax and get in our pajamas and enjoy a quiet night in.”  I guess this is where the, “Enjoy the moment”, “Life is these little moments”, “yadda yadda yadda” mentality should come in.  Because there’s always going to be something on my to-do list, something I’m not looking forward to doing, something that just has to be done.  One could also argue that  perhaps I’m doing the wrong kind of “things”.

Post Epiphany thoughts

After I had my epiphany/meltdown and shed some tears, I felt tired.  But, lighter.  After venting and talking, I realized I still have to go to class tonight.  And I still have my internship tomorrow.  My everyday stuff isn’t going to change dramatically (as much as I wish it would).

So I want a blog to keep myself motivated, keep myself accountable, and just have a safe space to vent/share/brainstorm ideas that make my soul happy.  Because college just isn’t one of them.  But, it’s hard when you’re in your familiar home, used to your familiar routines and rhythms, to imagine change.

Now, I love to read.  And I write in my journal every morning.  I’ve been doing both since I was in the single digits.  So as soon as I write a sentence, I edit it in my head.  I told myself that if I’m going to write a blog, which is just for myself, a place for me and my thoughts, that I have to just let it be what it’s going to be.  I’m not a professional writer, I’m not an inspirational speaker, hell, I’m barely a college graduate.  But, I am human.  And sometimes we humans need a messy space where we can figure things out, screw up, and figure things out again.

That’s what this blog is for me.

It all started with solar roadways.

I had an epiphany this morning after reading about solar roadways.  Solar roadways.  Or as they say in the obnoxious, yet pretty informative YouTube video, “solar FREAKIN’ roadways”!  I was, let’s be honest, wasting time avoiding a reading assignment when I saw a post on Facebook for a solar bike path in the Netherlands opening this week.  HOW.  COOL!  Which led to me a site about solar roadways.  I was so excited about the idea that I actually felt alive and motivated about something.  The past few days I felt aimless, just kind of doing things to fill the time – Netflix, reading, cooking – all wonderful things in of themselves, but not how I want to live my life forever.   And then I realized:  I don’t feel engaged or passionate about this life.  I’m excited about the idea of working with seniors and helping them.  I love social work because of the social justice, advocacy, and empowerment aspects.  I do love that.

But, my entire life I’ve felt like I need to follow the formula everyone else is doing.  My parents flipped when I put off going to college (S didn’t flip, she got it.)  And now I’m getting my bachelors and will probably go on to get my masters, follow the script and formula everyone else is following. 

 

I feel like my soul is dying and I’m fulfilling this “performance” for the sake of everyone else – doing what I’m “supposed” to be doing, and god damn it, I’ve never wanted to.  I’ve never wanted to do what I’m “supposed” to do – I know I can succeed and learn and grow in my own way, in a way that average people can’t imagine or understand.  But, I can.

 

I want to feel excited and engaged about my life.  I want live an exciting life and see the world.

 

I’m crying as I write this because I’ve been pushing this feeling down for so long.  The feeling that following the norm, god, it just isn’t for me.  Why did I move to LA when I was 19 to tutor inner city students?  Because it’s an adventure, it’s fun, I can see California and meet people who have the same vision vision of helping people while bettering themselves.  That’s what I want again.